Archer and Chase here with what is probably rare, a TWIN EGG YOLK in the egg. Thought it was appropriate to take their pic with it.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Archer and Chase found twin egg yolk
Archer and Chase here with what is probably rare, a TWIN EGG YOLK in the egg. Thought it was appropriate to take their pic with it.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
The sky-high home prices are falling! (Housing boom vs. Doom)
Sorry, this is too much about politics. I will put it in Vonmorganstone. Basically this woman running for city council again this year, Elena Uhing, has said some pretty ridiculous things in support of this development they've approved near my neighborhood.
Actually they ALL did. One of them said something like "well I would have liked to have seen a park go there but that's not the way of the world." This was a quote that this woman thought should go in a NEWSPAPER. Now, wanting a PARK vs. a development that cramms a hundred teeny tiny houses (they look like characatures of houses like the really tall skinny ones in Dr. Seuss pictures) are kind of two really extreme choices. The city doesn't need either ONE. They just need realistic treatment of what should be deliberately added to the community.
Just because no BUILDER (who work for profit the last time I checked) doesn't want to put in a PARK doesn't mean that we need THIS. Residents of Forest Grove want realistic lot sizes, even if they have to pay for them. I know people who just want a half acre or so but can't find that anywhere near town so they have to commute in from the BOONIES to be able to live somewhere just NORMAL.
I said a bunch of stuff at this meeting that ended up being SO RIGHT ON it was actually pretty funny. I told them that I thought that areas on the outskirts of town would start looking more and more unattractive with gas prices going up and they would stop flooding out to cheaper lots because of that. It has happened. I mean in the world post subprime no one is going to want to commute forty minutes to work just to shave ten thousand off of their house.
I actually argued that NO ONE wants to buy these houses to actually live here, that they were just being fueled by real estate speculation. That most of the buyers were just picking up an extra house or two or investing in real estate funds and not actually living here. Those markets, plus a LOT of the actual owner occupied interest is totally dry now. This will leave Forest Grove holding a bag of really undesireable and probably incomplete houses, that will be a plague on nearby neighborhoods.
Add a new MAX line in the mix and you have all kinds of undesireables riding out here to squat in otherwise vacant and unfinished carbon copy homes that no one even checks up on because you have to pay someone to do that and most of the builders are bankrupt and can't do it.
Actually they ALL did. One of them said something like "well I would have liked to have seen a park go there but that's not the way of the world." This was a quote that this woman thought should go in a NEWSPAPER. Now, wanting a PARK vs. a development that cramms a hundred teeny tiny houses (they look like characatures of houses like the really tall skinny ones in Dr. Seuss pictures) are kind of two really extreme choices. The city doesn't need either ONE. They just need realistic treatment of what should be deliberately added to the community.
Just because no BUILDER (who work for profit the last time I checked) doesn't want to put in a PARK doesn't mean that we need THIS. Residents of Forest Grove want realistic lot sizes, even if they have to pay for them. I know people who just want a half acre or so but can't find that anywhere near town so they have to commute in from the BOONIES to be able to live somewhere just NORMAL.
I said a bunch of stuff at this meeting that ended up being SO RIGHT ON it was actually pretty funny. I told them that I thought that areas on the outskirts of town would start looking more and more unattractive with gas prices going up and they would stop flooding out to cheaper lots because of that. It has happened. I mean in the world post subprime no one is going to want to commute forty minutes to work just to shave ten thousand off of their house.
I actually argued that NO ONE wants to buy these houses to actually live here, that they were just being fueled by real estate speculation. That most of the buyers were just picking up an extra house or two or investing in real estate funds and not actually living here. Those markets, plus a LOT of the actual owner occupied interest is totally dry now. This will leave Forest Grove holding a bag of really undesireable and probably incomplete houses, that will be a plague on nearby neighborhoods.
Add a new MAX line in the mix and you have all kinds of undesireables riding out here to squat in otherwise vacant and unfinished carbon copy homes that no one even checks up on because you have to pay someone to do that and most of the builders are bankrupt and can't do it.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Handicapable
My doctor told me the other day that I could qualify legally for a handicapped parking permit. For a number of different conditions that I have and the fact that I have sought treatment for so long and don't have any improvement.
Should I get one?
I tend to not like to sign on for government goodies, for example I didn't use government money for being poor in college because I didn't believe in anyone being paid specifically for being poor. That's the same reason we paid cash for prenatal appointments while I was pregnant with Drake when absolutely everyone else I know used welfare money. Somehow they justify it when the church even specifically says not to go on the welfare roles. It makes the church look really bad, too, because I had someone remark to me when I was at Stanford that they had used Provo Utah as an example of white people who go on welfare in large numbers.
I really don't know how they justify it. There are a number of terrible arguments used for it like "I pay a ton of taxes now." Ehh. Doesn't work, cause so do I. I think what ends up happening to Mormons who don't draw the line ALL the way to being honest and self reliant is that they figure they do all the other things like not robbing banks and stuff like that. But really it is the same thing. Mormons don't rob banks NOT because they are being honest, but because there are a lot of other reasons not to. Usually they aren't in a position to feed their families via shoplifting so they really shouldn't feel good about not doing it. The line should be drawn at being honest at the point at which it is ONLY done BECAUSE it is the wrong thing to do. A lot of things like honoring copyright law get broken by a lot of people I know because YES it might be the wrong thing to do, but they won't get caught and being wrong in ITSELF isn't usually enough to motivate people to not do something.
Case in point that guy who talked to the bishop about stealing Slade's bike before he stole it. The only thing that would have happened is that deep down he knew he was swiping slade's bike, and without any other consequences, doing the right thing isn't enough motivation for most people, if that is the ONLY consequence.
But in terms of the HC parking, it is available because people need it. And the people that need it apparently don't drive to the stores in large numbers. Probably there are few people whith disabilities that drive to the store on a regular basis. I went to the store the other day and there were like ten empty parking spaces that were HC'ed and no one ever uses them. At church there are like a dozen that stay empty all the time while everyone walks from stalls further away. There are a lot of people with bad problems, but to use the proportin of handicapped people to determine number of handicapped stalls will end up leaving a bunch of empty spaces all the time.
It seems like of the people that go to the store my physical problems are probably on par with theirs. And most of them aren't caretaking four minor children and having to do all of the running around associated with that. I figure if people spend like all day getting physically geared up for running to the store for five minutes like I do they probably could use one of these.
Should I get one?
I tend to not like to sign on for government goodies, for example I didn't use government money for being poor in college because I didn't believe in anyone being paid specifically for being poor. That's the same reason we paid cash for prenatal appointments while I was pregnant with Drake when absolutely everyone else I know used welfare money. Somehow they justify it when the church even specifically says not to go on the welfare roles. It makes the church look really bad, too, because I had someone remark to me when I was at Stanford that they had used Provo Utah as an example of white people who go on welfare in large numbers.
I really don't know how they justify it. There are a number of terrible arguments used for it like "I pay a ton of taxes now." Ehh. Doesn't work, cause so do I. I think what ends up happening to Mormons who don't draw the line ALL the way to being honest and self reliant is that they figure they do all the other things like not robbing banks and stuff like that. But really it is the same thing. Mormons don't rob banks NOT because they are being honest, but because there are a lot of other reasons not to. Usually they aren't in a position to feed their families via shoplifting so they really shouldn't feel good about not doing it. The line should be drawn at being honest at the point at which it is ONLY done BECAUSE it is the wrong thing to do. A lot of things like honoring copyright law get broken by a lot of people I know because YES it might be the wrong thing to do, but they won't get caught and being wrong in ITSELF isn't usually enough to motivate people to not do something.
Case in point that guy who talked to the bishop about stealing Slade's bike before he stole it. The only thing that would have happened is that deep down he knew he was swiping slade's bike, and without any other consequences, doing the right thing isn't enough motivation for most people, if that is the ONLY consequence.
But in terms of the HC parking, it is available because people need it. And the people that need it apparently don't drive to the stores in large numbers. Probably there are few people whith disabilities that drive to the store on a regular basis. I went to the store the other day and there were like ten empty parking spaces that were HC'ed and no one ever uses them. At church there are like a dozen that stay empty all the time while everyone walks from stalls further away. There are a lot of people with bad problems, but to use the proportin of handicapped people to determine number of handicapped stalls will end up leaving a bunch of empty spaces all the time.
It seems like of the people that go to the store my physical problems are probably on par with theirs. And most of them aren't caretaking four minor children and having to do all of the running around associated with that. I figure if people spend like all day getting physically geared up for running to the store for five minutes like I do they probably could use one of these.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Whistling happy tune
I am going to have to be teaching archer some serious whistling. It's funny cause I can whistle pretty good, and my guess is the other Anna may need a stand in (probably no different from the movie). Archer says I should have tried out so we could be real mom and son, but uh, I am glad they are carrying on in my place.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Archer in breeches
Archer indeed got the son of Louis, Anna's son in the production of K and I he auditioned for the other night, which is the best part for a kid in the play. Chase could have probably gotten the Prince part but he refused to audition like a pill. Drake the biggest pill I couldn't have threatened or bribed to do it. He has completely broken me.
My boys, because of the bad attitudes of them and even their dad about pursuing these kinds of talents, are falling like flies from my ranks and seriously limiting by ability of living though my children (Just Kidding, if I had actually been serious about that things would have been very different, I am so completely casual about it as it is, I didn't even know about these auditions until the director called me).
I was really excited for my sons to be able to sing but it has been harder than I thought to interest them in being something other than just being one of the guys. If they were just dorks or something that could't do anything else then it would be significantly easier, but they are pretty much good at everything whether they work at it or not and very likeable by their peers and don't have the least bit of concern about me being upset with them so I just can't do anything about it at all.
The socially-contructed theory of gender syereotypes is SO debunked, it's so ridiculous, and even more generally, the number of people that actually think that they are having ANY impact on their children's lives or development whatsoever is pretty funny. Seriously I am so glad that I know this because it relieves a lot of stress that I would have if I had somehow gotten the universal but unsupported notion that I needed to do stuff for my kids at all for them to turn out a certain way.
I do a lot with them now as they are getting older and having more interesting interests because they are cool and I just enjoy them as people, but it would be really scary if I thought I could be doing them any more favors at all in any more significant way.
I mentioned this in Relief Society the other day (indirectly, I mean I am not totally stupid), because we were talking about plan of salvation and agency and all, and I asked a question about whether they thought that our mothering made any differnce at all on our kids' going to heaven. Of course they pretty much said of course, enthusiastically, at first. I folowed up by how exactly that would work with the concept of agency, if one person got to go to heaven because their mother was reading them phonics out of the BofM every day at 6 am and another kids' wasn't and they started saying, well you can INFLUENCE it. Right? Mmhmmm.... what exactly does that mean ladies? Whoops, turns out that they really hadn't thought about how little sense that distinction makes, let alone the concept, and the weren't about to start.
So strange that there are so many complex convoluted ways of arguing something that makes absolutely no sense.
Both the actual gospel and child development research make it pretty clear to me that I might as well be a crack ho. My kids would turn out absolutely the same, perhaps even better (if I were able to not give them my crack ho genes somehow as a crack ho, because that is the rub with most crack ho parents, probably). Because if they learn to become competent in a safe environment when they are young because they need to do things for themselves because I wasn't running around after them as their personal assistants they would probably learn how to do more for themselves earlier than my kids even are now because I feel that I have to go though the motions of a lot of it just for appearances sake.
Don't get me wrong, I like my kids a lot as people and enjoy their company and would do whatever I needed to do for them to have a happy successful life, but the whole thing about being a 'good mother' for our OCD culture it is a lot like vaccuming in the same culture in my opinion. Depleting my energy and health so there would be less harmless lint that isn't doing a single thing to anyone when most of our ancestors lived directly on the dirt and were probably healthier for it is something that I would feel really bad if I actualy thought was important. It would be strange to me to feel like using my limited number of seconds on the planet doing things that don't amount to any consequence at all. Like if we ever look back and were glad that the floor was vaccumed or not, if we even remember. I mean if people like to teach their kids phonics because they think it will shave a week or two off the age that their kids learn to read or if they like cleaning something that isn't dirty, then I am glad they have their hobbies. Obviously some people like it for some reason. Those people obviously don't feel the way I feel when I stand and bend over. It is obviously its own reward for many. But I am so glad that it is becoming clear that that's all it is.
And not only is there even evidence that we are making our kids actually sicker because we are keeping the house too clean, I think that we might be doing the same kind of thing for over scaffolding around all of their time and learning opportunities. The most amazing thing about my kids is how competent they are in all kinds of ways. I mean, REMARKABLY so. If Slade and I died leaving them no inheritance or anything at this point, they would turn out totally fine, I am very sure. Because competency certainly does not result from having someone running around doing things for you that you are supposed to actually learn to do yourself at some point. It actually squanders the opportunity for them to learn to do it while they are young and while the consequences are small and they can be supervised during the process.
I really wonder about the homeschooled types that won't interact with a single other adult besides their parents until they are eighteen and on their own and there is no longer a chance to give any imput, guidance or cushion if it turns out bad. It is funny, I threatened to homeschool Drake the other day just as a joke, and we both knew that it was the ugliest, emptiest threat I could throw at him. "Dad, mom threatened to HOMESCHOOL me!!!"
So anyway, Archer is going to be adorable in this part, it is the perfect nice little upstanding young man part for him. And he even slouched off the audition, he got there late, didn't learn the music, slunk around during the dancing, and goofed off during the line reading. The child is clearly charmed. She basically just wanted him to do it and it didn't matter what happened in the audition. It makes sense, because he doesn't even have the most talent in the world (Drake the total pill has the best ear for music, although it is very surprising that know that because he tries very hard to not let anyone know). I have been on the other end of that, when someone obviously wanted someone else no matter what happened, so it was kind of cool for him to be sought out like that.
My boys, because of the bad attitudes of them and even their dad about pursuing these kinds of talents, are falling like flies from my ranks and seriously limiting by ability of living though my children (Just Kidding, if I had actually been serious about that things would have been very different, I am so completely casual about it as it is, I didn't even know about these auditions until the director called me).
I was really excited for my sons to be able to sing but it has been harder than I thought to interest them in being something other than just being one of the guys. If they were just dorks or something that could't do anything else then it would be significantly easier, but they are pretty much good at everything whether they work at it or not and very likeable by their peers and don't have the least bit of concern about me being upset with them so I just can't do anything about it at all.
The socially-contructed theory of gender syereotypes is SO debunked, it's so ridiculous, and even more generally, the number of people that actually think that they are having ANY impact on their children's lives or development whatsoever is pretty funny. Seriously I am so glad that I know this because it relieves a lot of stress that I would have if I had somehow gotten the universal but unsupported notion that I needed to do stuff for my kids at all for them to turn out a certain way.
I do a lot with them now as they are getting older and having more interesting interests because they are cool and I just enjoy them as people, but it would be really scary if I thought I could be doing them any more favors at all in any more significant way.
I mentioned this in Relief Society the other day (indirectly, I mean I am not totally stupid), because we were talking about plan of salvation and agency and all, and I asked a question about whether they thought that our mothering made any differnce at all on our kids' going to heaven. Of course they pretty much said of course, enthusiastically, at first. I folowed up by how exactly that would work with the concept of agency, if one person got to go to heaven because their mother was reading them phonics out of the BofM every day at 6 am and another kids' wasn't and they started saying, well you can INFLUENCE it. Right? Mmhmmm.... what exactly does that mean ladies? Whoops, turns out that they really hadn't thought about how little sense that distinction makes, let alone the concept, and the weren't about to start.
So strange that there are so many complex convoluted ways of arguing something that makes absolutely no sense.
Both the actual gospel and child development research make it pretty clear to me that I might as well be a crack ho. My kids would turn out absolutely the same, perhaps even better (if I were able to not give them my crack ho genes somehow as a crack ho, because that is the rub with most crack ho parents, probably). Because if they learn to become competent in a safe environment when they are young because they need to do things for themselves because I wasn't running around after them as their personal assistants they would probably learn how to do more for themselves earlier than my kids even are now because I feel that I have to go though the motions of a lot of it just for appearances sake.
Don't get me wrong, I like my kids a lot as people and enjoy their company and would do whatever I needed to do for them to have a happy successful life, but the whole thing about being a 'good mother' for our OCD culture it is a lot like vaccuming in the same culture in my opinion. Depleting my energy and health so there would be less harmless lint that isn't doing a single thing to anyone when most of our ancestors lived directly on the dirt and were probably healthier for it is something that I would feel really bad if I actualy thought was important. It would be strange to me to feel like using my limited number of seconds on the planet doing things that don't amount to any consequence at all. Like if we ever look back and were glad that the floor was vaccumed or not, if we even remember. I mean if people like to teach their kids phonics because they think it will shave a week or two off the age that their kids learn to read or if they like cleaning something that isn't dirty, then I am glad they have their hobbies. Obviously some people like it for some reason. Those people obviously don't feel the way I feel when I stand and bend over. It is obviously its own reward for many. But I am so glad that it is becoming clear that that's all it is.
And not only is there even evidence that we are making our kids actually sicker because we are keeping the house too clean, I think that we might be doing the same kind of thing for over scaffolding around all of their time and learning opportunities. The most amazing thing about my kids is how competent they are in all kinds of ways. I mean, REMARKABLY so. If Slade and I died leaving them no inheritance or anything at this point, they would turn out totally fine, I am very sure. Because competency certainly does not result from having someone running around doing things for you that you are supposed to actually learn to do yourself at some point. It actually squanders the opportunity for them to learn to do it while they are young and while the consequences are small and they can be supervised during the process.
I really wonder about the homeschooled types that won't interact with a single other adult besides their parents until they are eighteen and on their own and there is no longer a chance to give any imput, guidance or cushion if it turns out bad. It is funny, I threatened to homeschool Drake the other day just as a joke, and we both knew that it was the ugliest, emptiest threat I could throw at him. "Dad, mom threatened to HOMESCHOOL me!!!"
So anyway, Archer is going to be adorable in this part, it is the perfect nice little upstanding young man part for him. And he even slouched off the audition, he got there late, didn't learn the music, slunk around during the dancing, and goofed off during the line reading. The child is clearly charmed. She basically just wanted him to do it and it didn't matter what happened in the audition. It makes sense, because he doesn't even have the most talent in the world (Drake the total pill has the best ear for music, although it is very surprising that know that because he tries very hard to not let anyone know). I have been on the other end of that, when someone obviously wanted someone else no matter what happened, so it was kind of cool for him to be sought out like that.
Mortgage refi
Well since we got one of those seven year baloon thingies we are going to have to refinance next spring, and Slade filled out one of those Lendingtree applications and the mortgage brokers are hitting us pretty hard. Looks like some of their tricks in their bag have gone away and they must be desperate for business. (They make you actually have money now, it seems). It is a good thing that our balance is about the size of a carloan or it would be pretty painful, since our interest rate will go up quite a bit. I feel really lazy that we haven't paid it all the way off.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Boys' music, etc.
I happened to catch an episode of "Britain's Got Talent" while I was there earlier this year, and they had this kid:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Am45nFsZRfY
I wrote this in response about my boys' recent music efforts, or lack thereof at times.
http://www.helium.com/items/1207472-how-gender-stereotypes-can-rob-your-son-of-his-talent---and-what-to-do-about-it
I don't expect Carlisle Cathedral for any of my children, let's just say... if only because they have the choice.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Am45nFsZRfY
I wrote this in response about my boys' recent music efforts, or lack thereof at times.
http://www.helium.com/items/1207472-how-gender-stereotypes-can-rob-your-son-of-his-talent---and-what-to-do-about-it
I don't expect Carlisle Cathedral for any of my children, let's just say... if only because they have the choice.
Monday, October 13, 2008
Archer after TWO DAYS playing guitar!
Also, he is singing a solo as the concluding number in the Primary Program next week, AND some lady called to ask him to go audition for The King and I. Yikes.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Boys on guitar
The boys are now better than me on the guitar (all of them) after one weekend. I have tried to learn to play for twenty years now?
I blame my tiny defective hands. But then again, theirs aren't too big yet, either. Maybe just not defecctive.
So if anyone wants ideas to get them things for Christmas, they are very much into all things BAND (the cool kind of band, not the third sex kind) related. Chase wants a base guitar, Archer wants a regular electric guitar, and Drake wants a drum set. Santa will probably spring for those, but accessories/books would be great.
I blame my tiny defective hands. But then again, theirs aren't too big yet, either. Maybe just not defecctive.
So if anyone wants ideas to get them things for Christmas, they are very much into all things BAND (the cool kind of band, not the third sex kind) related. Chase wants a base guitar, Archer wants a regular electric guitar, and Drake wants a drum set. Santa will probably spring for those, but accessories/books would be great.
Chase has his mini braces
I probably said this before, but Chase has to have mini braces, then some more tinkering around, then MAXI braces. He chose his mini ones to be green and yello (I didn't even know he was particularly a Duck fan.
Speaking of ducks, our dog just ripped another hole in our down comforter and it looks like a duck exploded in our bedroom, we will probably go to church with feathers all over us today.
Speaking of ducks, our dog just ripped another hole in our down comforter and it looks like a duck exploded in our bedroom, we will probably go to church with feathers all over us today.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Letter I got in the mail a month or so ago
I am a bit lax in clearing the paperwork out, so I am just now reading a piece of mail I got that I wouldn't have paid any special attention to at the time but now it is fascinating:
From "The Fair Lending Assessment Center"
"Your property is being targetted for special programs offered by the Fair Lending Assessment Center, through the Government Sponsored Enterprises Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, and the Federal Housing Authority that offer loans from major depository institutions without the traditional restrictions on credit history, income or employment status, equity and reserves."
I still have a week to respond, should I get in now?
From "The Fair Lending Assessment Center"
"Your property is being targetted for special programs offered by the Fair Lending Assessment Center, through the Government Sponsored Enterprises Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, and the Federal Housing Authority that offer loans from major depository institutions without the traditional restrictions on credit history, income or employment status, equity and reserves."
I still have a week to respond, should I get in now?
Freelance Jouralist/ebook job
While things are dicey on the health and housekeeping front (now that I am choosing to medicate my back pain a lot less I can only stand or sit for short periods so cooking and cleaning go bye bye), the job front is great. Lying on my side, the only thing that doesn't ultimately make me writhe with pain after an hour, is fairly conducive to freelance journalism, and through the site elance I have gotten some actual real jobs. I have accepted four or five assignments from this guy, I have no idea where or what he does but first he had me write about thirty articles on various topics, probably for spam websites (sorry), but then he had me do a substantive job writing an ebook. It wasn't an exciting topic - running you spa business, but it is great to say that I have now written a book. And it is the kind of writing that is very hot right now. Everyone wants content providers because web content is one of the most widely consumed commodities lately and there are no more writers than there used to be so the price goes up. Particularly business management stuff is hot, so I guess it is fine that I didn't just do my thing because few people pay that much for Tudor history writing.
Although, I did get named the European History Steward for Helium, so now I am officially a part of that great organization, that has paid me enough this year that I will have to fill out a W2 for the first time in about six years, for good or ill. And more and more of the time my pieces are being grabbed by other people for their web content, so it is just like putting what I write out there instead of just keeping it to myself and without doing anything it sells once in a while. I still think that any of you who write about ANYTHING should consider it because it will gradually add up to some serious money for things you already do. I am going to put a permalink on my site for signing up for Helium because supposedly you can do that now without specifically getting an email you have to respond to. Those of you who post to forums or whatever on various topics might want to consider it, because you get paid for doing the same thing.
Although, I did get named the European History Steward for Helium, so now I am officially a part of that great organization, that has paid me enough this year that I will have to fill out a W2 for the first time in about six years, for good or ill. And more and more of the time my pieces are being grabbed by other people for their web content, so it is just like putting what I write out there instead of just keeping it to myself and without doing anything it sells once in a while. I still think that any of you who write about ANYTHING should consider it because it will gradually add up to some serious money for things you already do. I am going to put a permalink on my site for signing up for Helium because supposedly you can do that now without specifically getting an email you have to respond to. Those of you who post to forums or whatever on various topics might want to consider it, because you get paid for doing the same thing.
Be thankful for your appetites this thanksgiving
I got whiny and complainy about gaining some weight earlier this year and I am having to eat my words, and not much else. It is obvious that my appetite is a sign of whatever weird endocrine or other physical problem that I have and I don't appreciate how much better I feel when I am hungry because I have gotten so spoiled by being thin when I feel terrible that I am not happy that appetite obviously means better health.
All my extra weight has fallen off pretty rapidly lately, and while you would think that was good, it really is a terrible sign that I am going back into a rough patch. I can tell already. I have been really lucid for a while and sleeping great, getting lots of things pushed through with the kids including driving them to upteen activities, but I end up stopping everything because I can't handle it.
I feel a lot like those people from the House of Usher. They couldn't stand any light, sound, touch, or activity level. They just kind of went into this agoraphobic reclusive stupor. Of course there isn't really a specific treatment for
House of Usher disease, so I am kind of out of luck and forced to treat the symptoms like insomnia and trying to force enough food that I can walk across the house.
I should try to encorporate more exercise, and I think I did better when I was forced to go places on the bus, but it seems very averse to my energy level.
Anyway, next time I complain about getting fat, someone please tell me to shut up. It was kind of a pain to go shopping for the first time in three years and buy a bunch of clothes that now no longer fit. But I guess I will have something to wear if I start feeling better again.
All my extra weight has fallen off pretty rapidly lately, and while you would think that was good, it really is a terrible sign that I am going back into a rough patch. I can tell already. I have been really lucid for a while and sleeping great, getting lots of things pushed through with the kids including driving them to upteen activities, but I end up stopping everything because I can't handle it.
I feel a lot like those people from the House of Usher. They couldn't stand any light, sound, touch, or activity level. They just kind of went into this agoraphobic reclusive stupor. Of course there isn't really a specific treatment for
House of Usher disease, so I am kind of out of luck and forced to treat the symptoms like insomnia and trying to force enough food that I can walk across the house.
I should try to encorporate more exercise, and I think I did better when I was forced to go places on the bus, but it seems very averse to my energy level.
Anyway, next time I complain about getting fat, someone please tell me to shut up. It was kind of a pain to go shopping for the first time in three years and buy a bunch of clothes that now no longer fit. But I guess I will have something to wear if I start feeling better again.
Boys are picking up guitar
In about a day or two since getting heavily involved in the guitar in the last little while, they are all about as good as me, which isn't hard. I am sure they will be doing cool things like Uncles Jape and Jacob in no time, and it should be fun to listen to it. They go to the practice of their band about once a week and I am seriously considering getting Chase an electric base for Xmas.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Eight random things about our Marriage (AKA Mormon Marriage Mistakes) or Carol's relationship advice
This is a blog tag. I am writing eight random things and then tagging eight people to challenge them to do the same thing. I need to update my links, have been needing to do it for a long time, but while I do that I will tag you anyway to give you time to work on it.
Alexys (Jacks)
Jape (Could be any of the Hickses)
Donna
Kate
Sandy
Amy
Bill (you could send me the list and I could post it?)
Malea
These would be on your own blogs but you post questions on here or let me know you're done. Or comments, insults (less of those) concerns...
Stacey, who started the tag, did eight random things about herself, but there are WAY too many just simply strange random things about me, I am so random, as the title of our blog suggests, randomness is a theme of our family. So while you only have to do random things about yourself (or you could use my idea and do random things about some other aspect, I am doing eight random coincidences about how Slade and I are alike in marriage, or compatable.) These are kind of silly, but I have been wanting since V-Day to do a tribute to our marriage and the miracle but seeming predestination of that, though I am not sure I believe in the second thing, really. I think that it can work out a number of ways, and often people don't find the 'ideal person' for them, even if that person exists, but that person can still make things work and be happy building a life with someone else, just mabye with a bit more work.
I feel like my marriage is not very much work at ALL. I feel bad sometimes that he takes care of me and runs the show a lot, but I DID choose him, and There are many more, I just chose some of the remarkable ones, the ones that sometimes would have led to problems if we hadn't found each other. There are many more things about us that are random coincidences or things we have remarkably in common, but it is a bit long, keep in mind you also don't need to do anything nearly this long, you could say "I have six toes on my left foot" or "I am quitting my job and going to clown school."
Here are eight unique things about how Slade and I chose each other and how we feel we are unusually perfect for each other, to the extent that we would be in bad shape if we hadn't found each other. Many seem way to unusual of features of compatibility to be coincidence, although I am open to it being.
The likelihood that something is ACTALLY just coincidence is usually underestimated, so I don't want to overblow my opinion that it seems amazing that the two of us who seem to match each other's strange random quirkiness were put in each other's way early on. Some people look at having met someone as a sign that it was meant to be, but that is rather tautological. People say "there was very little chance that we would have met each other of all the people in the world if it wasn't the right thing." Well, there is a one in six billion chance of standing behind a person at the supermarket line, but that means very little, because you will always stand behind someone. So do we turn around and say wow, I was clearly meant to stand behind you in line! Probably not.
So don't mean to overblow this, but unlike just things like meeting, we have various issues that the other person is the unlikely remedy, etc. And we have grown a lot of opinions together over the years about how we are able to do things in our marriage that are rather unusual, and we don't know if other spouses would be game for it. So anyway, we fell rather fortunate, and feel that our relationship is the place where we go to retreat from the world and be alone with someone that cherishes us for how very unlikely and lucky it was that we bumped into each other, however that came to be.
1. Slade and I each when we were very young wanted someone who was a powerthinker, was capable of taking a concept and exploring the various ins and outs of it for hours on end and was generally well educated enough to be able to understand each other when we went off on our various musing. That isn't unusual because Drake is really philosophical at his age, and we were three years older. We each wanted someone who was well educated, not just formally. We both have background on various philosophical/historical/science topics that enable us to be able to understand each other fairly efficiently.
2. I was the first girl that he was ever interested in, and the only one, because of the fact that he is a misogynist, and he admits that. It certainly isn't that he didn't have opportunities. He had women throw themselves at him before he met me, on his mission, and at BYU AND SINCE WE'VE BEEN MARRIED AT INTEL. He hasnt gone into the specifics on that one. But I know it is true because one time before a business trip I saw him putting on a costume wedding ring (He lost his on a scouting trip). I asked him why he was doing that, and he was pretty evasive for a while. But it turns out that he thinks it is a bit risky going on business trips without his ring, because he gets a bit of unwanted attention.
So he has had many other chances to get involved with other women, he just declined due to lack of interest and compatibility. So the reason I was his first date was not because he didn't have opportunity. I was once accosted in the bathroom at a stake dance by a hoard of his fans:
Girls: What did you do to get him to ask you out, because 'we all like Slade.'
One of the girls: I don't!
The rest in unison: Yes you do!
The girl: Ok, I do.
I don't know what I did, but it wasn't just 'a feeling' or anything warm and fuzzy on Slade's part. He said he had one at first, and I did eventually. It consisted basically of me passing a test administered in the form of a five-hour telephone interview until three in the morning where I answered all of the questions to his satisfaction. He asked me questions about all of life's basics and he determined compatibility. So it wasn't exactly love at first sight, although there must have been something that caused him to administer the interview in the first place, because this was the FIRST TIME HE HAD CALLED A GIRL. He said it was because (misogyny) he hadn't ever met a girl he wanted to talk to before.
Anyway, his misogyny is a problem because many men can find girlfriends pretty easy. They come home from their mission and bang, find one, break up bang, find another. But he doesn't like girls. And not THAT WAY. In fact far from being like the men who don't like girls THAT WAY he can hardly stand to talk to them. Not only would he have a problem finding someone to get engaged to in any particular BYU ward or whatever like happens fairly frequently, it was rather amazing that he found someone like me who isn't very much like most women in major ways so he can stand me.
3. I was also impressed with his accomplishments. I thought he was kind of cute, but he looked too young. Thankfully he has matured, and WOW what a gorgeous man he is now! But at the time, I was sort of interested until I heard he was going to be valedictorian, and then WHAMO. So that's why I am going to devote myself full time to my kids' getting As in the next few years. They will attract girls that are looking for the right things.
4. He was impressed with my accomplishments. I was only the eighth in my class, though we have argued about this over the years, but my high school was decidedly more college prep. There were many AP classes crammed full and many Merit Scholars, etc. He liked it that I could sing, and various things that he knew would be passed on to his kids, so in a way he was thinking of them. But one of the things that impressed him the most was that I was taking care of my elderly grandmother. The summer that we got close my dad and I were living alone and I cooked dinner and took it over to her house every night. That is how I learned how to cook, and probably we had a few questionable dinners. But he said that many of the girls that he knew probably weren't willing to spend their time that way every night. So I thought that was pretty nice, too, because probably most of the guys that I knew weren't going to be impressed by that, in fact I knew a few 'cool' guys that actually made fun of me because of it.
5. We made each other feel special. I told Slade that I felt that there were things about him that made him completely unique and superior of all people on the planet. I still do. I told him recently that if he ever became available you would be able to see the line from space, considering all the fans he still gets. I have had so many women tell me that he's attractive it is quite uncomfortable sometimes. He told me that he felt I would change the world one day, because he thought that I was capable of solving problems theoretically that he thought one day would be put to important use. So by finding each other we had someone that believed in us the way that perhaps no one else would have.
I think that Slade is getting to the point where people say the same things that I have said about him over the years. (I am too now that I write a lot online and people can separate my ideas from the individual, which enables them to evaluate them without as much bias). People in the ward go on and on and on about Slade. Whenever people find out I'm his wife I have an in with them and they tell me how they learned to have faith in humanity because of him or some such thing. A lot of parents tell me that their son or daughter went on a mission because of him.
He is the only person who can keep one of the kids in the ward behaving during Sacrament meeting, so the kid sits with us every week, and he gets moved up as that class' teacher every year. They have tried to have other people deal with him, even for short amounts of time. Someone was called as Slade's assistant, and the second week Slade taught that man and the kid ended up WRESTLING ON THE FLOOR because of a dispute about what he could write on the board. It is in some ways kind of a waste because people say that his lessons are the most interesting they have ever heard, even the ones he prepares for the 11-yr-olds, so the ward would do well to have him teaching more people, and some people have requested him to teach GD or EQ, but he has that assignment because it is the most challenging in the ward. Many have tried but eventually have problems. The kid's dad doesn't want to, even though he finally agreed to be Slade's assistant. Although Slade takes him out and stuff.
You know how kids and pets can sense good? That is why they both drip all over Slade like crazy. I noticed this while we were dating. Charity said that she got a comment about how good she was when she was playing with a kid bouncing him on her knee. Probably she would have eventually figured this out because she is probably like him, but she said that she was at the time doing something that Slade did with her when she was little. Kids that don't know him gravitate to him. It is one of the best things that I have done for my kids to choose him as their father, as he is not only fun and kind but a stern and solid leader and good example. We do a lot of things as a family that are unusual but that get the kids attention and win them over to our way of doing things in that I have a feeling they will do them when they grow up, at least the ones that they think work. I hope that my kids will do better than we do, and I hope they will be smarter than we are and have fewer problems, so in general I hope they exceed what we have accomplished, bigtime. I am not a Pygmalion parent.
6. We are fairly unique in that we have both arrived at the opinion that we don't believe in "Loving someone just the way they are" like Billy Joel. Actually, this is not exactly true, we DO love each other just so, but the song "Don't go changin to try to please me" also by Joel reveals an unwise limitation in marriage goals. We feel that we can help each other improve, and so this doesn't preclude making suggestions for improvement, and many couples are averse to that in a big way. Criticism makes them angry. Actually women are worse about that, bigtime, and so that's why it usually comes up in relation to men loving women without criticism and them asking things like do I look fat in this and their husband not being able to answer frankly, but wives always tell their husbands which tie they like or that they should loose weight or "You're not going to wear THAT are you" That is all women. And I have to say that I don't become popular in Relief Society for my views about how women should stop all of this Queen Bee nonsense that they tend to have picked up.
Also, we would rather discuss disagreements and feelings now and work through them with frank discussion rather than have something keep coming up and causing fights or pouting for the next forty years. Many people feel that it is best not to disagree, and that disagreements or criticism is the sign of a marriage that isn't picture perfect. But that is crazy. No marriage is without silly squabbles on up to serious differences of opinion. A way to deal with and permanently dispatch these is essential for a relationship that continues to improve with age.
And some people pat themselves on the back that they 'never fight.' We never have knock down dragouts, in fact we don't really have the kind of fights where we say hurtful things about each other or yell, but we do openly disagree. And the people that DON'T usually do something that is equivalent but much more destructive. People that pout at each other or say things under the surface ARE communicating their hurt feelings, they are just doing it in a way that can't lead to improvement. If I am doing something that causes someone to want to hurt me back or causes them to want to not talk to me or spend less time with me, I would much rather have an open and cool headed discussion about that thing. Because if is worth having hurt feelings about or worth limiting the relationship over, then it is worth discussing.
That is, if we have good motives. Sometimes people want the drama of a reason to resent someone, it is like a way to make their lives be like a soap opera and more interesting. And some people always want some reason to be hostile, or to have an 'us vs. them' attitude. They aren't happy unless they have some reason to be critical of someone and they need to have someone in their life that they are feuding with. Again this is usually just women. I guess Slade and I are both a bit misogynistic.
But I have to admit that Slade was a bit of a bit of a pouter when we first met. He had the prejudice that openly arguing was a bad thing, always, but pouting or withdrawing or occasionally being snippy or whatever was just fine. It took me a while to realize that pouting instead of arguing was MUCH worse, not just the same. Because arguing can be done with the hope of resolving the disagreement so that it doesn't need to happen again. There are things that we disagreed about early in our relationship that don't come up anymore, and that is a blessing because things are very tranquil now. Pouting is just empty communication of bad feelings done intentionally to get back at the other person and hurt them, without the hope of eventually having things heal and improve. This is one way that he has come to my side over the years. He doesn't pout anymore, especially after realizing how good it is that I don't pout and how much he hates it when people do.
But if we truly want to heal and nourish the relationships in our lives, especially marriages, we will feel that it is important to give and receive constructive criticism, in two directions. First, we will want to be open with peole about the things that are going to cause problems for us in the relationship. If it isn't important enough to discuss, then it shouldn't be important enough to have bad feelings about our talk to someone else about. Ideally, it would be the best thing to dispatch it totally and not have it be a problem for us at all. But if we can't do that, then communicating openly is better than any alternative. And we shouldn't have a prejudice about our own way of dealing with things passive aggressively (below the surface and communicated in other ways).
Also, wanting people in our lives to never say anything openly critical is unreasonable and destructive to the relationship, and it is doing our selves a disservice because it is assuming that the way to be perfect it to pretend that we are perfect NOW by defining ourselves that way and surrounding ourselves with only people that will tell us that we are perfect the way we are instead of suggesting ways we can improve. If we don't take feedback from those that love us, we will be sure to not be able to please those that don't. So we should be open to it and give them good reactions when they offer it so they are rewarded for it and continue dealing with their feelings by coming to us openly than talking about them behind our backs or simply not wanting to be around us.
I think that the reason that family is the vehicle for perfection is that it should (not that it always does) prevent a safe atmosphere for us to be able to see our own imperfections and do something about them. If we don't do that, if instead we just surround ourselves with people that tell us we are perfect NOW, and eliminate from our lives people that don't do that, it prevents us from moving forward toward ACTUAL perfection.
We know theoretically that none of us is perfect now, so we shouldn't expect the people in our lives to indicate that we ARE. Not wanting their feedback on the things we can do to improve is failing to utilize a valuable resource. So basically our marriage can serve as a vehicle by which we are both becoming better people.
Slade and I are doing that to at least some extent. Obviously we have a long way to go and I have unfortunately had some derailments in the last few years that prevent me from working on the things that I would like to. But if we keep our view of marriage as it is (and in fact a RARE VIEW of marriage because it goes against the cultural preference) we can become more like the person that we each saw in each other when we met. We love each other as we are, but see and expect progress toward the person that we COULD BECOME.
So you don't hear this that often, but it is why the 'Don't you love me the way I AM?" sentiment is so destructive in my opinion (a dangerous cultural notion about love). Many people are unable to withstand their spouse saying anything critical and it causes problems, like it does in other family or friends. But marrying someone that you trust to make good observations about you and how you can improve yourself takes advantage of applying the opinion of the person who knows you best and wants the best for you, and not doing this passes up a good opportunity.
7. Womens' LIP
I am not a controlling wife, as they go. I think this is a result of the fact that I got married mature enough to know that I didn't want a husband that I could boss around. Teenaged girls and others that aren't mature think it is really cool to have a boyfriend they can boss around. When they first start to date they think it is a novel thing to be treated like the queen. But that gets old pretty fast. Like Ed in Raising Arizona, she said "That ain't no man for a husband." If women can boss around their husband it will mean that other people can, too. Like people at his work, other relatives, etc. And that's not really fun.
When I started dating Slade I had had enough experience with relationships to know that i wanted a man in charge of me and of my family. A MAN not just a male. Someone that wouldn't mind taking control and wielding it and not letting me boss him around or cower in front of my sassiness and my nagging. I wanted him to get me in line. SERIOUSLY. It has paid off in the last few years when he has really needed to be in control. He could see that this whole treating of my problems as some sort of mental health thing was bogus and that I really needed was to get some sleep. But not many women want this. And this goes beyond not wanting their husbands to ever be critical, the "Don't you love me the way I AM? stuff? Men let their wives boss them around WAY too much, and I am one of the least likely to force Slade into allowing my lip than anyone I know. Not that many of the women I know are REALLY BAD about it, but basically most men are like "Ok, whatever you say honey" and will put up with things that they really don't think are acceptable situations in the name of keeping peace with a wife that would be seriously hard to deal with and make life miserable if they didn't yield.
That's why I think it is ironic that we think the man is actually in charge, because it is so seldom that he is actually the one that makes the final decisions, or the initial decisions, or any in between. "Ok honey" is usually the mantra of Mormon Men. They are seriously petrified with fear of their wives beig mad at them. When the mom of the house is mad it is a very solemn occasion and very rarely is there any sense that she is being abusive like there would if the dad was running around angry or insisting on his way"
If I had a good forum for expressing this church wide, I would do it, because I think it is a practical application of not only the last thing that we should allow our spouses to help I really haven't heard any other explanations of it that make sense, probably because even in Elders' Quorum and Gen Conference, men are encouraged to hold their tongues about their wives because they are supposed to act like their wives are queens etc. Ironically, you don't hear that much about women being not supposed to be critical. Men are encouraged to listen to their wives going off on them. Though I think that women tend to not be as conservative with the things they say and they don't really view it as the way they are helping their husbands become better people they just are usually ticked off and being selfish, of their husbands' time and attentions. Women don't usually encourage their husbands to take callings that take a lot of time, for one thing, because they are jealous of their husbands' every second. Men tend to want their wives to do good things, and so there is really not an equitable situation. The womens' lib mentality is so frightening to men in the church even though the party line is that men are in charge. But practically speaking, no one has any doubts about who ACTUALLY is in charge of the family or the relationship.
8. We wanted someone who is unconventional, who doesn't tend to go along with the crowd at all ever. We both tend not to like the tendency in the church to be subjective, impressionistic, impulsive, irrational, go by the gut. Because that is a hallmark of each of us, that we don't do or think things 'just because' and in fact we both tend to see the danger of that fairly clearly. Even very smart, well-educated people, if they don't evaluate the premises of various cultural beliefs (myths) it will cause problems, and even misery. Relationship problems and divorce rates in the church are impacted by cultural behavior when it comes to love and marriage.
(I AM INCLUDING THIS NOT BECAUSE IT IS PARTICULARLY RELATED BUT BECAUSE IT FITS UNDER MY ALTERNATE TITLE)
I have a lot of specific problems with this and will discuss it later I am sure. I recently thought about the fact that it is rejecting the divine in all of us.
A lot of the time it is not particularly harmful. If someone wants to go to a particular school or take a particular job because they 'know it is right,' fine whatever. Again, it is always nice to 'know in their mind AND their heart' like the scriptures encourage, rather than just 'I don't know why, but I am just supposed to.' If God just has us take marching orders like a pawn, it is really not an educational experience. We are not learning how to make good decisions or become more like him. In fact, reason is really like how God chooses things, it is just that He has more information. Most of the time if God were to tell us what job to take, it would be the job that made sense to take. So we like to be unconventional and think about how things are different than they seem. If one of us was like that and not the other, it would drive one of us crazy, actually both.
I will post more about that I am sure, particularly about how gut instinct rejects divine potential, and how Joseph Smith's model of inspiration is the one we should go for, ad that it is a different one than in the ancient and primitive dispensation of Adam, where he did things 'why I know not.' We do things because we should, obviously but with the increasing level of knowledge capability, we are also encouraged to decide in our 'mind and our heart.' Like Joseph Smith, who described it as a stupor of thought when things aren't right. We with modern revelation and access to education and reason can fall back on most of the time making a decision because it makes sense, like what school to go to because of the best aid package, because most of the time that will probably be how God would make the decision for us. If it isn't and we are living righteously, he will let us know.
So that makes it a fallback situation where at the very LEAST we would have used our divine power of reason to make decisions, that other animals can't do but we can because we are in his image. We wouldn't want to instead fall back on gut instinct or impressions or impulses, because those are the decision making powers of lower species. Particularly decisions that are high in emotion, such as who to marry tend to be made this way, when we should use both. I think that may have something to do with our high divorce rate, and I would like to see it change someday. Because we could have the feeling that it is right, plus getting to know the person and determining compatibility.
If one of those
isn't there, it wouldn't be mind
and heart, which offer security for emotional
young people who are rather likely to be wrong, at least
some of the time, not excluding potentially, this time, which is
particularly full of emotion and tumultuousness and new feelings and
situations. We know someone who was fallen for the obviously wrong person
and they all KNOW it is the right thing, so they take risks, come home back
home after a few months of marriage. A lot of people are fine after they
drive through red lights, but "I did it and I'm fine" isn't a reason to
suggest that someone take that as a habbit. Marrying young and when a
a couple hardly knows each other is risky, even though many people
turn out ok after they do. And also it sets a bad precedent for
those who would need to get to know their fiance before they
found out the dealbreaker that would have them coming home
after two months, regardless of how right they happened
to feel it was, and if they were wrong why wait. It is
hubris to think that all these other people should
avoid risk taking but we will be fine because
God's looking out for us. The typical "I
feel good about it" can be modelled by]
others in an extreme situation, like
like getting married before they
go on missions, and leaving
their spouse. After all, we
all have impulses that
aren't good like that.
Like saying something
hurtful to someone
Heart AND mind is
needed to avoid
a possibly bad
decision. It
isn't the
place to
risk
it
!
My marriage is one thing that I think I did right in my life. I found a guy that I liked for the right reasons, and who liked me for the right reasons, things they say that you should hold out for a guy to say about you, that you were sweet to children and old people, you had an amazing mind that he wanted to educate so that it could make a difference in the world. I chose him after a long courtship where we carefully brought up many of the important issues of compatibility like moeny, religion, family, communication styles, educating our kids, working, retirement, housing, how to spend our time, how we wanted to live, among many MANY others. We made sure that many disagreements would come up during the course of our dating. And they did. We had one or two particularly diffcult issues that created an awkward situation probably three fourths of the tie when we were dating, and not only did we survive it, we got stronger and more in love as we went on, not less. We didn't loose that goofy feeling that we had at first and then feel indifferent. Well, we lost a BIT of the giddy bit, but only the part that made us forget what date it was and stuff that didn't help much.
Other people that might be vulnerable to examples of others see other people justify risky behavior for that reason, and they have the high emotional draw, but without the mind being there there isn't anything to interpret the heart. Nobody says things like that but me and Slade, so it is a goodthing we have found each other.
Alexys (Jacks)
Jape (Could be any of the Hickses)
Donna
Kate
Sandy
Amy
Bill (you could send me the list and I could post it?)
Malea
These would be on your own blogs but you post questions on here or let me know you're done. Or comments, insults (less of those) concerns...
Stacey, who started the tag, did eight random things about herself, but there are WAY too many just simply strange random things about me, I am so random, as the title of our blog suggests, randomness is a theme of our family. So while you only have to do random things about yourself (or you could use my idea and do random things about some other aspect, I am doing eight random coincidences about how Slade and I are alike in marriage, or compatable.) These are kind of silly, but I have been wanting since V-Day to do a tribute to our marriage and the miracle but seeming predestination of that, though I am not sure I believe in the second thing, really. I think that it can work out a number of ways, and often people don't find the 'ideal person' for them, even if that person exists, but that person can still make things work and be happy building a life with someone else, just mabye with a bit more work.
I feel like my marriage is not very much work at ALL. I feel bad sometimes that he takes care of me and runs the show a lot, but I DID choose him, and There are many more, I just chose some of the remarkable ones, the ones that sometimes would have led to problems if we hadn't found each other. There are many more things about us that are random coincidences or things we have remarkably in common, but it is a bit long, keep in mind you also don't need to do anything nearly this long, you could say "I have six toes on my left foot" or "I am quitting my job and going to clown school."
Here are eight unique things about how Slade and I chose each other and how we feel we are unusually perfect for each other, to the extent that we would be in bad shape if we hadn't found each other. Many seem way to unusual of features of compatibility to be coincidence, although I am open to it being.
The likelihood that something is ACTALLY just coincidence is usually underestimated, so I don't want to overblow my opinion that it seems amazing that the two of us who seem to match each other's strange random quirkiness were put in each other's way early on. Some people look at having met someone as a sign that it was meant to be, but that is rather tautological. People say "there was very little chance that we would have met each other of all the people in the world if it wasn't the right thing." Well, there is a one in six billion chance of standing behind a person at the supermarket line, but that means very little, because you will always stand behind someone. So do we turn around and say wow, I was clearly meant to stand behind you in line! Probably not.
So don't mean to overblow this, but unlike just things like meeting, we have various issues that the other person is the unlikely remedy, etc. And we have grown a lot of opinions together over the years about how we are able to do things in our marriage that are rather unusual, and we don't know if other spouses would be game for it. So anyway, we fell rather fortunate, and feel that our relationship is the place where we go to retreat from the world and be alone with someone that cherishes us for how very unlikely and lucky it was that we bumped into each other, however that came to be.
1. Slade and I each when we were very young wanted someone who was a powerthinker, was capable of taking a concept and exploring the various ins and outs of it for hours on end and was generally well educated enough to be able to understand each other when we went off on our various musing. That isn't unusual because Drake is really philosophical at his age, and we were three years older. We each wanted someone who was well educated, not just formally. We both have background on various philosophical/historical/science topics that enable us to be able to understand each other fairly efficiently.
2. I was the first girl that he was ever interested in, and the only one, because of the fact that he is a misogynist, and he admits that. It certainly isn't that he didn't have opportunities. He had women throw themselves at him before he met me, on his mission, and at BYU AND SINCE WE'VE BEEN MARRIED AT INTEL. He hasnt gone into the specifics on that one. But I know it is true because one time before a business trip I saw him putting on a costume wedding ring (He lost his on a scouting trip). I asked him why he was doing that, and he was pretty evasive for a while. But it turns out that he thinks it is a bit risky going on business trips without his ring, because he gets a bit of unwanted attention.
So he has had many other chances to get involved with other women, he just declined due to lack of interest and compatibility. So the reason I was his first date was not because he didn't have opportunity. I was once accosted in the bathroom at a stake dance by a hoard of his fans:
Girls: What did you do to get him to ask you out, because 'we all like Slade.'
One of the girls: I don't!
The rest in unison: Yes you do!
The girl: Ok, I do.
I don't know what I did, but it wasn't just 'a feeling' or anything warm and fuzzy on Slade's part. He said he had one at first, and I did eventually. It consisted basically of me passing a test administered in the form of a five-hour telephone interview until three in the morning where I answered all of the questions to his satisfaction. He asked me questions about all of life's basics and he determined compatibility. So it wasn't exactly love at first sight, although there must have been something that caused him to administer the interview in the first place, because this was the FIRST TIME HE HAD CALLED A GIRL. He said it was because (misogyny) he hadn't ever met a girl he wanted to talk to before.
Anyway, his misogyny is a problem because many men can find girlfriends pretty easy. They come home from their mission and bang, find one, break up bang, find another. But he doesn't like girls. And not THAT WAY. In fact far from being like the men who don't like girls THAT WAY he can hardly stand to talk to them. Not only would he have a problem finding someone to get engaged to in any particular BYU ward or whatever like happens fairly frequently, it was rather amazing that he found someone like me who isn't very much like most women in major ways so he can stand me.
3. I was also impressed with his accomplishments. I thought he was kind of cute, but he looked too young. Thankfully he has matured, and WOW what a gorgeous man he is now! But at the time, I was sort of interested until I heard he was going to be valedictorian, and then WHAMO. So that's why I am going to devote myself full time to my kids' getting As in the next few years. They will attract girls that are looking for the right things.
4. He was impressed with my accomplishments. I was only the eighth in my class, though we have argued about this over the years, but my high school was decidedly more college prep. There were many AP classes crammed full and many Merit Scholars, etc. He liked it that I could sing, and various things that he knew would be passed on to his kids, so in a way he was thinking of them. But one of the things that impressed him the most was that I was taking care of my elderly grandmother. The summer that we got close my dad and I were living alone and I cooked dinner and took it over to her house every night. That is how I learned how to cook, and probably we had a few questionable dinners. But he said that many of the girls that he knew probably weren't willing to spend their time that way every night. So I thought that was pretty nice, too, because probably most of the guys that I knew weren't going to be impressed by that, in fact I knew a few 'cool' guys that actually made fun of me because of it.
5. We made each other feel special. I told Slade that I felt that there were things about him that made him completely unique and superior of all people on the planet. I still do. I told him recently that if he ever became available you would be able to see the line from space, considering all the fans he still gets. I have had so many women tell me that he's attractive it is quite uncomfortable sometimes. He told me that he felt I would change the world one day, because he thought that I was capable of solving problems theoretically that he thought one day would be put to important use. So by finding each other we had someone that believed in us the way that perhaps no one else would have.
I think that Slade is getting to the point where people say the same things that I have said about him over the years. (I am too now that I write a lot online and people can separate my ideas from the individual, which enables them to evaluate them without as much bias). People in the ward go on and on and on about Slade. Whenever people find out I'm his wife I have an in with them and they tell me how they learned to have faith in humanity because of him or some such thing. A lot of parents tell me that their son or daughter went on a mission because of him.
He is the only person who can keep one of the kids in the ward behaving during Sacrament meeting, so the kid sits with us every week, and he gets moved up as that class' teacher every year. They have tried to have other people deal with him, even for short amounts of time. Someone was called as Slade's assistant, and the second week Slade taught that man and the kid ended up WRESTLING ON THE FLOOR because of a dispute about what he could write on the board. It is in some ways kind of a waste because people say that his lessons are the most interesting they have ever heard, even the ones he prepares for the 11-yr-olds, so the ward would do well to have him teaching more people, and some people have requested him to teach GD or EQ, but he has that assignment because it is the most challenging in the ward. Many have tried but eventually have problems. The kid's dad doesn't want to, even though he finally agreed to be Slade's assistant. Although Slade takes him out and stuff.
You know how kids and pets can sense good? That is why they both drip all over Slade like crazy. I noticed this while we were dating. Charity said that she got a comment about how good she was when she was playing with a kid bouncing him on her knee. Probably she would have eventually figured this out because she is probably like him, but she said that she was at the time doing something that Slade did with her when she was little. Kids that don't know him gravitate to him. It is one of the best things that I have done for my kids to choose him as their father, as he is not only fun and kind but a stern and solid leader and good example. We do a lot of things as a family that are unusual but that get the kids attention and win them over to our way of doing things in that I have a feeling they will do them when they grow up, at least the ones that they think work. I hope that my kids will do better than we do, and I hope they will be smarter than we are and have fewer problems, so in general I hope they exceed what we have accomplished, bigtime. I am not a Pygmalion parent.
6. We are fairly unique in that we have both arrived at the opinion that we don't believe in "Loving someone just the way they are" like Billy Joel. Actually, this is not exactly true, we DO love each other just so, but the song "Don't go changin to try to please me" also by Joel reveals an unwise limitation in marriage goals. We feel that we can help each other improve, and so this doesn't preclude making suggestions for improvement, and many couples are averse to that in a big way. Criticism makes them angry. Actually women are worse about that, bigtime, and so that's why it usually comes up in relation to men loving women without criticism and them asking things like do I look fat in this and their husband not being able to answer frankly, but wives always tell their husbands which tie they like or that they should loose weight or "You're not going to wear THAT are you" That is all women. And I have to say that I don't become popular in Relief Society for my views about how women should stop all of this Queen Bee nonsense that they tend to have picked up.
Also, we would rather discuss disagreements and feelings now and work through them with frank discussion rather than have something keep coming up and causing fights or pouting for the next forty years. Many people feel that it is best not to disagree, and that disagreements or criticism is the sign of a marriage that isn't picture perfect. But that is crazy. No marriage is without silly squabbles on up to serious differences of opinion. A way to deal with and permanently dispatch these is essential for a relationship that continues to improve with age.
And some people pat themselves on the back that they 'never fight.' We never have knock down dragouts, in fact we don't really have the kind of fights where we say hurtful things about each other or yell, but we do openly disagree. And the people that DON'T usually do something that is equivalent but much more destructive. People that pout at each other or say things under the surface ARE communicating their hurt feelings, they are just doing it in a way that can't lead to improvement. If I am doing something that causes someone to want to hurt me back or causes them to want to not talk to me or spend less time with me, I would much rather have an open and cool headed discussion about that thing. Because if is worth having hurt feelings about or worth limiting the relationship over, then it is worth discussing.
That is, if we have good motives. Sometimes people want the drama of a reason to resent someone, it is like a way to make their lives be like a soap opera and more interesting. And some people always want some reason to be hostile, or to have an 'us vs. them' attitude. They aren't happy unless they have some reason to be critical of someone and they need to have someone in their life that they are feuding with. Again this is usually just women. I guess Slade and I are both a bit misogynistic.
But I have to admit that Slade was a bit of a bit of a pouter when we first met. He had the prejudice that openly arguing was a bad thing, always, but pouting or withdrawing or occasionally being snippy or whatever was just fine. It took me a while to realize that pouting instead of arguing was MUCH worse, not just the same. Because arguing can be done with the hope of resolving the disagreement so that it doesn't need to happen again. There are things that we disagreed about early in our relationship that don't come up anymore, and that is a blessing because things are very tranquil now. Pouting is just empty communication of bad feelings done intentionally to get back at the other person and hurt them, without the hope of eventually having things heal and improve. This is one way that he has come to my side over the years. He doesn't pout anymore, especially after realizing how good it is that I don't pout and how much he hates it when people do.
But if we truly want to heal and nourish the relationships in our lives, especially marriages, we will feel that it is important to give and receive constructive criticism, in two directions. First, we will want to be open with peole about the things that are going to cause problems for us in the relationship. If it isn't important enough to discuss, then it shouldn't be important enough to have bad feelings about our talk to someone else about. Ideally, it would be the best thing to dispatch it totally and not have it be a problem for us at all. But if we can't do that, then communicating openly is better than any alternative. And we shouldn't have a prejudice about our own way of dealing with things passive aggressively (below the surface and communicated in other ways).
Also, wanting people in our lives to never say anything openly critical is unreasonable and destructive to the relationship, and it is doing our selves a disservice because it is assuming that the way to be perfect it to pretend that we are perfect NOW by defining ourselves that way and surrounding ourselves with only people that will tell us that we are perfect the way we are instead of suggesting ways we can improve. If we don't take feedback from those that love us, we will be sure to not be able to please those that don't. So we should be open to it and give them good reactions when they offer it so they are rewarded for it and continue dealing with their feelings by coming to us openly than talking about them behind our backs or simply not wanting to be around us.
I think that the reason that family is the vehicle for perfection is that it should (not that it always does) prevent a safe atmosphere for us to be able to see our own imperfections and do something about them. If we don't do that, if instead we just surround ourselves with people that tell us we are perfect NOW, and eliminate from our lives people that don't do that, it prevents us from moving forward toward ACTUAL perfection.
We know theoretically that none of us is perfect now, so we shouldn't expect the people in our lives to indicate that we ARE. Not wanting their feedback on the things we can do to improve is failing to utilize a valuable resource. So basically our marriage can serve as a vehicle by which we are both becoming better people.
Slade and I are doing that to at least some extent. Obviously we have a long way to go and I have unfortunately had some derailments in the last few years that prevent me from working on the things that I would like to. But if we keep our view of marriage as it is (and in fact a RARE VIEW of marriage because it goes against the cultural preference) we can become more like the person that we each saw in each other when we met. We love each other as we are, but see and expect progress toward the person that we COULD BECOME.
So you don't hear this that often, but it is why the 'Don't you love me the way I AM?" sentiment is so destructive in my opinion (a dangerous cultural notion about love). Many people are unable to withstand their spouse saying anything critical and it causes problems, like it does in other family or friends. But marrying someone that you trust to make good observations about you and how you can improve yourself takes advantage of applying the opinion of the person who knows you best and wants the best for you, and not doing this passes up a good opportunity.
7. Womens' LIP
I am not a controlling wife, as they go. I think this is a result of the fact that I got married mature enough to know that I didn't want a husband that I could boss around. Teenaged girls and others that aren't mature think it is really cool to have a boyfriend they can boss around. When they first start to date they think it is a novel thing to be treated like the queen. But that gets old pretty fast. Like Ed in Raising Arizona, she said "That ain't no man for a husband." If women can boss around their husband it will mean that other people can, too. Like people at his work, other relatives, etc. And that's not really fun.
When I started dating Slade I had had enough experience with relationships to know that i wanted a man in charge of me and of my family. A MAN not just a male. Someone that wouldn't mind taking control and wielding it and not letting me boss him around or cower in front of my sassiness and my nagging. I wanted him to get me in line. SERIOUSLY. It has paid off in the last few years when he has really needed to be in control. He could see that this whole treating of my problems as some sort of mental health thing was bogus and that I really needed was to get some sleep. But not many women want this. And this goes beyond not wanting their husbands to ever be critical, the "Don't you love me the way I AM? stuff? Men let their wives boss them around WAY too much, and I am one of the least likely to force Slade into allowing my lip than anyone I know. Not that many of the women I know are REALLY BAD about it, but basically most men are like "Ok, whatever you say honey" and will put up with things that they really don't think are acceptable situations in the name of keeping peace with a wife that would be seriously hard to deal with and make life miserable if they didn't yield.
That's why I think it is ironic that we think the man is actually in charge, because it is so seldom that he is actually the one that makes the final decisions, or the initial decisions, or any in between. "Ok honey" is usually the mantra of Mormon Men. They are seriously petrified with fear of their wives beig mad at them. When the mom of the house is mad it is a very solemn occasion and very rarely is there any sense that she is being abusive like there would if the dad was running around angry or insisting on his way"
If I had a good forum for expressing this church wide, I would do it, because I think it is a practical application of not only the last thing that we should allow our spouses to help I really haven't heard any other explanations of it that make sense, probably because even in Elders' Quorum and Gen Conference, men are encouraged to hold their tongues about their wives because they are supposed to act like their wives are queens etc. Ironically, you don't hear that much about women being not supposed to be critical. Men are encouraged to listen to their wives going off on them. Though I think that women tend to not be as conservative with the things they say and they don't really view it as the way they are helping their husbands become better people they just are usually ticked off and being selfish, of their husbands' time and attentions. Women don't usually encourage their husbands to take callings that take a lot of time, for one thing, because they are jealous of their husbands' every second. Men tend to want their wives to do good things, and so there is really not an equitable situation. The womens' lib mentality is so frightening to men in the church even though the party line is that men are in charge. But practically speaking, no one has any doubts about who ACTUALLY is in charge of the family or the relationship.
8. We wanted someone who is unconventional, who doesn't tend to go along with the crowd at all ever. We both tend not to like the tendency in the church to be subjective, impressionistic, impulsive, irrational, go by the gut. Because that is a hallmark of each of us, that we don't do or think things 'just because' and in fact we both tend to see the danger of that fairly clearly. Even very smart, well-educated people, if they don't evaluate the premises of various cultural beliefs (myths) it will cause problems, and even misery. Relationship problems and divorce rates in the church are impacted by cultural behavior when it comes to love and marriage.
(I AM INCLUDING THIS NOT BECAUSE IT IS PARTICULARLY RELATED BUT BECAUSE IT FITS UNDER MY ALTERNATE TITLE)
I have a lot of specific problems with this and will discuss it later I am sure. I recently thought about the fact that it is rejecting the divine in all of us.
A lot of the time it is not particularly harmful. If someone wants to go to a particular school or take a particular job because they 'know it is right,' fine whatever. Again, it is always nice to 'know in their mind AND their heart' like the scriptures encourage, rather than just 'I don't know why, but I am just supposed to.' If God just has us take marching orders like a pawn, it is really not an educational experience. We are not learning how to make good decisions or become more like him. In fact, reason is really like how God chooses things, it is just that He has more information. Most of the time if God were to tell us what job to take, it would be the job that made sense to take. So we like to be unconventional and think about how things are different than they seem. If one of us was like that and not the other, it would drive one of us crazy, actually both.
I will post more about that I am sure, particularly about how gut instinct rejects divine potential, and how Joseph Smith's model of inspiration is the one we should go for, ad that it is a different one than in the ancient and primitive dispensation of Adam, where he did things 'why I know not.' We do things because we should, obviously but with the increasing level of knowledge capability, we are also encouraged to decide in our 'mind and our heart.' Like Joseph Smith, who described it as a stupor of thought when things aren't right. We with modern revelation and access to education and reason can fall back on most of the time making a decision because it makes sense, like what school to go to because of the best aid package, because most of the time that will probably be how God would make the decision for us. If it isn't and we are living righteously, he will let us know.
So that makes it a fallback situation where at the very LEAST we would have used our divine power of reason to make decisions, that other animals can't do but we can because we are in his image. We wouldn't want to instead fall back on gut instinct or impressions or impulses, because those are the decision making powers of lower species. Particularly decisions that are high in emotion, such as who to marry tend to be made this way, when we should use both. I think that may have something to do with our high divorce rate, and I would like to see it change someday. Because we could have the feeling that it is right, plus getting to know the person and determining compatibility.
If one of those
isn't there, it wouldn't be mind
and heart, which offer security for emotional
young people who are rather likely to be wrong, at least
some of the time, not excluding potentially, this time, which is
particularly full of emotion and tumultuousness and new feelings and
situations. We know someone who was fallen for the obviously wrong person
and they all KNOW it is the right thing, so they take risks, come home back
home after a few months of marriage. A lot of people are fine after they
drive through red lights, but "I did it and I'm fine" isn't a reason to
suggest that someone take that as a habbit. Marrying young and when a
a couple hardly knows each other is risky, even though many people
turn out ok after they do. And also it sets a bad precedent for
those who would need to get to know their fiance before they
found out the dealbreaker that would have them coming home
after two months, regardless of how right they happened
to feel it was, and if they were wrong why wait. It is
hubris to think that all these other people should
avoid risk taking but we will be fine because
God's looking out for us. The typical "I
feel good about it" can be modelled by]
others in an extreme situation, like
like getting married before they
go on missions, and leaving
their spouse. After all, we
all have impulses that
aren't good like that.
Like saying something
hurtful to someone
Heart AND mind is
needed to avoid
a possibly bad
decision. It
isn't the
place to
risk
it
!
My marriage is one thing that I think I did right in my life. I found a guy that I liked for the right reasons, and who liked me for the right reasons, things they say that you should hold out for a guy to say about you, that you were sweet to children and old people, you had an amazing mind that he wanted to educate so that it could make a difference in the world. I chose him after a long courtship where we carefully brought up many of the important issues of compatibility like moeny, religion, family, communication styles, educating our kids, working, retirement, housing, how to spend our time, how we wanted to live, among many MANY others. We made sure that many disagreements would come up during the course of our dating. And they did. We had one or two particularly diffcult issues that created an awkward situation probably three fourths of the tie when we were dating, and not only did we survive it, we got stronger and more in love as we went on, not less. We didn't loose that goofy feeling that we had at first and then feel indifferent. Well, we lost a BIT of the giddy bit, but only the part that made us forget what date it was and stuff that didn't help much.
Other people that might be vulnerable to examples of others see other people justify risky behavior for that reason, and they have the high emotional draw, but without the mind being there there isn't anything to interpret the heart. Nobody says things like that but me and Slade, so it is a goodthing we have found each other.
Lulu's developing design interest
Some of you may have seen some of Sadie's artwork. She seems to have inherited Slade's ability to think of funny little animals and stuff that he did when he was a kid. (Actually Chase can, too, he came up with this long-necked monster a few weeks ago in church that was HILARIOUS).
Anyway, she has adapted a rather interesting practical use of her artistic talents, which she obviously did NOT get from me! I can't even draw a straight line. She has started drawing clothing designs. She drew a dress that I would totally wear if I found it in the store.
I told her that if her dad teaches her to sew one of these days that I would help her produce some of her fashions to actually wear. That's would have to be one of the coolest things for a girl, to be able to say they designed and sewed their outfit! Also, I'm thinking that the name Sadie would be a great clothing label! Lowercase S with a flower over the I or something... who knows.
She is also very dedicated when she starts these designing projects, sitting down and getting really serious when she works and being very detail-oriented, something ELSE she didn't get from me.
I know I always think big for my kids but they are definitely special, like their father who I am still working on to encourage him to develop his potential that he doesn't believe in, so I am am trying to get the kids to work up something that avoids their being misplaced in mediocrity.
Anyway, she has adapted a rather interesting practical use of her artistic talents, which she obviously did NOT get from me! I can't even draw a straight line. She has started drawing clothing designs. She drew a dress that I would totally wear if I found it in the store.
I told her that if her dad teaches her to sew one of these days that I would help her produce some of her fashions to actually wear. That's would have to be one of the coolest things for a girl, to be able to say they designed and sewed their outfit! Also, I'm thinking that the name Sadie would be a great clothing label! Lowercase S with a flower over the I or something... who knows.
She is also very dedicated when she starts these designing projects, sitting down and getting really serious when she works and being very detail-oriented, something ELSE she didn't get from me.
I know I always think big for my kids but they are definitely special, like their father who I am still working on to encourage him to develop his potential that he doesn't believe in, so I am am trying to get the kids to work up something that avoids their being misplaced in mediocrity.
Lulu's first sleepover
Kind of a momentous occasion in Sadie's life. It is funny but she had pretty much exactly the same experience I had, by the end of a sleepover girls start getting on each other's nerves A BIT. "I'm bored," "I don't WANNA watch that," etc. Girls are challenging in different ways than boys are, that's for sure. Boys never start into each other like this.
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